Repetitive breakup: what to do?

Good morning!
My name is Chloé, I am 19 years old, and thanks to a friend, I was able to explore your blog. I have seen the great work you are doing, and hopefully, I can get some help from you.
I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man, who already left me 3 times for 1 month later to come back with me. Whenever he broke up he would go away with the same girl (also because the 2 of us were wrong) without ever being able to go out with her because she pushed him away, but did not stop playing while flirting with him. It lasted about a year and a half. He was texting him ambiguously behind my back and inviting him to his place. When the last time we got back together promised to stop everything. It’s been six months since we came back (again) together, and everything was for the best when I learned that he had invited her back to his place. I don’t know how to react anymore, knowing that he tells me that she is only his friend, shouldn’t I believe him? Or is she really her friend this time around? 
I must also add that he doesn’t really listen to me, when I try to make him understand that I’m bad because of thishe gets angry and I can’t say anything more. He doesn’t really empathize, I guess or doesn’t show it, and I don’t know how to take him anymore. The only times he listened to me were those before our breakup, when he wanted me back at all costs. I know that by talking about him like that, he can sound really hateful, and I know that talking about that without knowing a person is difficult to pass judgment, but I’m really lost… And then I have to say that I do. love, and that for me to consider yet another breakup would break me. 

Hello Chloe,

First of all, I thank you for your compliments and hope to be able to be useful to you via this article.

Your situation is complicated in that it seems “blocked”, the efforts are one-way and you find yourself having to accept behaviors that are not acceptable. For love, you are ready to accept them but until when?

The 5 languages ​​of love

First of all, I would like to tell you about the five languages ​​of love (which is, by the way, a book that I recommend to you):

 

For love in a couple to last, you have to know how to find the keys to communication. Knowing intrinsically that the verb to communicate implies dialogue between two people, these keys must be shared and reciprocated.

– Words / compliments

Mark Twain said, “A good compliment allows me to live two months”. If we analyze this sentence literally; 6 compliments per year are enough to fill his emotional reservoir. But this is neither your case nor that of your friend. Compliments are a way of expressing our affection, our admiration, our love for our friend, they are words that do good, words that ease every day tensions. Far too many couples forget the communicative power of these words. The same goes for encouragement.

-Quality moments

What is the point of having a tidy life in which we lack nothing if we can no longer spend quality time with our friends? What is a quality moment shared with the other? It is about giving the other full and undivided attention. I’m not talking about reading a book in bed next to each other: in this case, it’s the subject of the book that captures the attention.

– Gifts

Gary Chapman explains, “  A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say ‘Look, he thought of me’ or ‘He remembered me ‘. Indeed, you have to think about the person in question to have the idea of ​​offering him a present. Basically, we don’t care about the gift: keychain, dress, or perfume: the gift is only the symbol. And this symbol is important. It is a means of communication like any other and offering flowers each time we apologize or ask for something that will annoy the other is not a gift but an attraction, the unhealthy object of emotional blackmail.

– Services rendered

(But I don’t think this language is very important at the moment in view of your situation).

– Physical touch

Touch is a means of communicating feelings and it is not new. Hugs, kisses, caresses, sex are all ways of making the other feel that they are loved. For some people, touch is the language they perceive best: “If they benefit from this touch, their emotional reservoir is full, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse. Conversely, without this contact, they do not feel loved ”.

The problem in all this is that very often in a couple, the two partners have very distinct needs and a different love language: hence the many misunderstandings. Example: Jean feels the need to see his friends and that Julie, for her part, needs fusion and availability from the other: Jean will push Julie to go out, thinking that it will please him while he is acts of his need for HIM not for her! As for Julie, she is going to imprison Jean at home, wanting him for her, she will offer him a restaurant, a cinema, thinking of making him happy while she pleases HER.

I am talking to you about all forms of communication because in my opinion, your main problem comes from there. You complain about his behavior but he doesn’t hear you. Finally, he only realizes it when he feels that you are going to escape him and that is called manipulation, but not only. Your couple is if I may say “victim” of the famous syndrome ”  Run away from me, I follow you, follow me, I run away from you ” 

In addition, two other problems face:

His desires to look elsewhere

You say that every time he left you, it was to meet up with the same woman. Do you know more? Because, if I stop only at your writing, I would tend to say that he has feelings towards her. Indeed, he doesn’t just want to look elsewhere (otherwise it would be a Don Juan who would get laid with all the young women who pass by), he wants to be with her. I could also have said that it is a relationship without a tail or head and that he takes it only for his Kleenex: every time you fight, he finds comfort in her. Only where it is wrong is that she pushes him away. Is he so sadomasochistic to run after everything that escapes him?

His lies

That he went to join this girl every time he broke up is one thing. That he secretly saw her when you got back together and everything was fine is another. If there is no trust, it can never work.

Is he telling the truth? I can not know it. Either he’s lying to you and he’s really attracted to this girl who resists him, or he cares about her like a friend. The first hypothesis seems the most plausible but it remains vague, only he knows.

You love him, but efforts can’t be done one way. You absolutely must have a healthy, non-shouting discussion. Arguments won’t help. You have to put your cards on the table and especially him. If you feel ready to forgive him again, regardless of his confession, tell him. Start again on a healthy basis because your foundations are shaky at the moment. If he continues not to hear you write him a letter with all your feelings. He must understand that you are very in love with him but that you are not acquired and that you do not have to suffer behaviors that hurt you. Explain to him that you expect some understanding from him. Tell her you really wish you could trust her and that, although it is difficult for you after everything that has happened, you are ready to grant it to him again if he promises to tell you the truth. Try to explain the four main keys of communication to him as I did above, I think this is very important for you because you need to be reassured and to feel more loved and considered by the chosen by your heart. 

As I said at the beginning, it is clear that the situation is complex because it cannot lead to clear answers. And, the only one capable of giving you the right answers is him, and no one else.

Finally, do not forget that you are not acquired, that you are not the property of anyone and that love sometimes makes us blind to the point of no longer managing to get rid of a person who makes us unhappy.

I wish you all the best and sincerely hope that the situation will resolve itself quickly.

Lea

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