My ex goes abroad: what to do? (A question from Julie)

My ex goes abroad: what to do? A question that is not simple! Julie, a reader, sent me an email on the subject and I’m going to answer her.

My ex goes abroad: what to do?

Hello Lea,

First of all, thank you for all your precious advice which helps me face difficulties every day.

So there you have it, I stayed with my ex for 3 years. Our relationship was passionate, fusional, maybe even too much because we both cut ourselves off from the world a little. We didn’t live together but we saw each other almost every day. Either he slept at my place or I slept at his house.

Three months ago he broke up with me. I was not expecting it at all. It was horrible. I thought I was going to die, I couldn’t see myself continuing without him, I didn’t understand his decision at all. He told me he didn’t make enough use of his youth (he’s 26 and I’m 24, so he was 23 when we got together). He, therefore, reconnected with his friends whom he had lost sight of a little and started going out all the time. Like a teenager.

I read lots of sites on how to get your ex back, I’ve seen the radio silence story everywhere so that’s what I did for a month. And it was terribly difficult! He ended up texting me saying he missed me although he doesn’t regret his decision. I found it sadistic …

And two days ago he sent me: “  Hi Julie, I just wanted to tell you that I am moving to the United States from next week. I was offered a job there and jumped at the chance. I wish you to be happy Julie, I do not regret anything that we lived together.  “

What do I have to do? Is there a way for me to get it back? The geographical distance scares me too much! Thanks, Lea

My ex is going abroad, what to do? My response to Julie

Hello Julie,

Thank you for your message.

Let’s go back to your breakup before it leaves

The reason for the breakup is clear: your ex was frustrated that he didn’t make enough use of his youth. You say it yourself in your message: you were certainly TOO fusional. The fusional couples who get together quite young often end up separating. One of the two partners feels flouted and has the impression of having missed a part of his youth. 

Obviously, neither of them is at fault, no one has forced anyone. Things have happened naturally thus between you. The difference is that after a while, he ended up living it badly while you were happy and fulfilled in the fusion.

The sadistic message

After your radio silence, you say that your ex contacted you again, telling you that he missed you but that he did not regret his decision. Is it sadistic? I really don’t think so. For me, it’s more of a clumsiness.

You know Julie, leaving someone is as difficult as being left because we don’t have the right to complain when we are at the origin of the breakup! We made the decision so we are prohibited from suffering. Except it’s not that simple. I invite you to read this testimony from a reader who suffered enormously when she decided to break up with her friend, a few months before the wedding!

So I think he was totally transparent with you: yes he misses you. But no, he doesn’t regret his decision. It may seem contradictory to you, but it is not that much. When we have got into the habit for three years of loving and being loved, of doing such and such activities, of receiving so many messages a day… That everything stops overnight is a difficult thing to accept. Which is clearly his case. However, he assumes his decision and thinks he made the right one because he is finally living the youth he did not seem to have had.

Your ex is going abroad and you want to get him back?

This is a very bad idea for me because:

  • If you could have recovered it, you would have already seen the beginnings of a new beginning. Since you applied radio silence correctly and it had “come back” to you. Except that he came back to you precisely by telling you that he did not regret his decision.
  • He seems to really know what he wants. The fact that he is accepted to the post abroad shows his desire to start from scratch and rebuild his life, without you. I guess it doesn’t feel good to read but you have to agree to continue without him.

Already it is difficult to get your ex back when you are not geographically separated, there it is almost impossible.

And, above all, for you, for your happiness, you must move forward. Maybe when he returns you will meet again and fall in love again. You may also never see each other again. It is also possible that when he comes back, he tries his luck with you again but that you are in a relationship … In short, there is a multitude of probabilities. But do not kill yourself bit by bit by imagining them because you cannot predict the future. 

That he goes abroad is a godsend

See it as a real chance! It will be for you, I assure you, much easier for you to draw a line on both of you knowing it is far away. Thus, when you pass in front of his apartment, you will not wonder who he is with, what he is doing there, you will not go ring the doorbell!

Having it geographically far away from you should help you heal the wound more easily.


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