He (she) sent you a message last night, which began with ” I have to admit something to you ” or ” we have to talk ” and which ended with ” we can see you tomorrow at café X ” ( public place… hmmm not good!). It all smells bad, and you know it. No matter how much you prepare yourself psychologically, a breakup is always painful. It’s brutal, violent. Whether we have stayed with the person for five months, a year, or four years, it is never easy to accept it and especially to overcome it. To go up the slope when you have already rushed downhill … the key is not to run into a wall.
As a general rule (I prefer to specify it because I don’t like being accused of generalities), the guy will be sad because his sweetheart has left him… for another one as well. Indeed, girls tend to find a valve before ditching their boyfriends. The girl, meanwhile, will also be doubly sad: her darling leaves her when she was not expecting it (not too much), and in addition, she has not yet found someone else.
When breaking up
Don’t go after him (her) when he (she) tells you
You are hurt. But really. Your heart sinks, you have the impression of suffocating, suffocating. In your mind, you see all the good memories, everything that linked you, all your weekends, your outings, your first kiss, your first sexual relationship … then you realize that you will have to draw a line, say goodbye to that face, that mouth that was so close to you, those eyes, his (her), entirely. And there you want to:
- Yelling at him: ” damn but you can’t do this to us, not like that, not now “
- Insult him: ” I knew you were a fucking asshole, I hate you, you understand that? I hate you! “
- Cry like a madeleine, let the sobs completely take over your sanity.
- Beg him: ” I beg you, give us one last chance, you’ll see I’ll change.” Please, I cannot live without you ”.
- Blackmail: ” I swear to you, I will cut my veins, jump out of the window and finally if I am still alive, I will throw myself under a train. Before, I would write a letter to my parents to tell them that this is all my fault. Don’t leave me, don’t leave me! “.
First, all of this behavior is anti-class, anti-glamor, anti-everything. You lose all your dignity and all your worth by reacting in this way. You are already unhappy enough like that, your mind does not need to memorize yet another bad memory … no, frankly not!
Take it upon yourself to hear correctly what he (she) has to say to you. Explain yourself, calmly ask him/her the reasons why he (she) decided so. At the end of the discussion you will see if there is a possible way out, an arrangement, a change to be made or if it is screwed up, dead, swept away, folded. And there, you can not do much about it except take charge of yourself, and above all, take care of yourself.
After the breakup
Let off steam
If you had to hold back when the anvil hit you, now that you are alone, at home, you have carte blanche. You have the right to howl into your pillow, as loud as possible, to watch yourself cry in your mirror, to bang your head against the walls (not too loud anyway), to listen to someone like you while singing through- above, with tremolos and dripping tears, devour the jar of Nutella, insult your ex on paper. You can also call your friends, your mother, tidy up your room, go to the gym, kill your cat (no!). It’s up to you to find what will best free you from this weight which is definitely getting heavier and heavier.
Once you’ve taken enough perspective, consider the pros and cons. Take a sheet, draw two columns, a “plus” column, a “minus” column. In the first, you will have understood it, you will write what you liked in your relationship, in the second, you will mark all its flaws and all the flaws in your relationship. There is bound to be a reason for this breakup, and writing it in black and white will make you realize that, in the end, it might be better that way. Even if it’s still very hard to take and your ego has taken for its rank.
Sort it out
After several days, even a month (I know how difficult it is!), Take the time to sort it out. Open your drawers, your photo albums, the things that are left of him (her). Burn the photos, tear off his letters and if you really don’t feel able, for the time being, to draw a final line on your relationship, put it all in your attic. As for his business, go give it back, yourself or through a friend if that makes things easier for you. You can’t risk keeping all these haunted memorabilia. Rereading a letter while listening to Alanis Morissette is torture guaranteed. Don’t make your life harder than it is for you right now.
Don’t see him anymore
Really, even if he (she) offers to stay friends, IT IS NOT POSSIBLE. Not at the moment at least. You need complete weaning. You cannot afford to go visit him while your heart is pounding and you are dying to kiss him, hug him. A break-up is a bit like mourning, it takes time to heal and reopen the wound from the start, it’s your self-flagellate.
Take care of yourself, join the theater, dance, pottery, badminton. You absolutely have to have an activity in your life in order to stay alive. You cannot become a vegetable that spends its life watching TV swallowing anything and everything.
For guys: Organize poker nights with friends, go out to bars, play your favorite console all night long, go play soccer, play sports …
For girls: pamper yourself, go out clubbing with your girlfriends, treat yourself to massage sessions, go to the hairdresser, go shopping, organize evenings with friends …
Confide, get help
You need to be listened to. Your parents, your friends, are there for that, to cheer you up. If you feel extremely helpless, psychologists will listen to you and can help you overcome this terrible period, your general practitioner can prescribe painkillers so that you can recover slowly. Talk, talk… Don’t curl up on yourself.
Agree to meet new people
Without absolutely trying to find someone a week after the breakup to act as a stop-gap, you have to learn again to love yourself and to meet again. Amorous as well as friendly. Go out to bars, during after-work… And above all, don’t mention your recent breakup, you will self-destruct and demoralize the people around you.
Time will do the rest …
You fell and you were hurt badly. Your skin is raw, the wound is deep. It closes gradually and it is forbidden to tear off the crust … otherwise, the blood will start to flow again. We wait for the wound to close, for the heart to heal. You have to be patient. You will see that after the shadow zone, the light awaits you and that there will have been good in this infernal period. Later, years later, you will most certainly even laugh about it.
I stayed three years with my first love (from 15 to 18 years old). We were two clichés on legs and we loved it. Kissing in a fountain, making love in a field, in the rain, hurtling down the steps of the Sacré-Coeur… In short, two clichés on legs I was saying. And we loved each other. Finally, I was convinced that I loved him. I realized later, with a lot of hindsight that finally, it was not him that I loved, but Love. I ended up leaving him for reasons X and Y and in particular the fact that… I no longer loved him. For six months he wrote me a letter a day, harassing my mother and me by telephone (and even my father, my sister, my friends…). He was extremely unhappy. His mother called me, explained to me that he saw a shrink… that he was missing his studies because of me. In short, not only was I devastated to see him so sad, so destroyed, when he had not deserved it, and in addition, I felt guilty for his future. All this to tell you that the other also suffers or even as much in this kind of situation. (unless the guy/girl is a big jerk and in that case you haven’t lost anything!). A breakup is very difficult to bear, but the decision is also very difficult to make. Both partners must have a lot of courage to face this stage. But life offers us so many opportunities… with time, we open up, we relearn, we stop surviving to live again normally.