“ Loving always involves a risk: that of losing, ” says Catherine Audibert. It is normal to wonder if we will be able to overcome a breakup, often experienced as heartbreak, and, a fortiori, to love again. It’s the truth. Who says heartache says separation, and it is rarely consensual. By nature, it is often even violent. And if you’re in pain, it means you didn’t want it. It is your partner who decided to end your union. Don’t hide your face, the stronger the feelings you experienced, the more excruciating pain you will feel. You will experience difficult times. You are going to have to tame the pain. When we are in a relationship, we have projects, desires, and of course feelings. Whether we have been together for years or only for a few months, we want to live a strong relationship, we want to blossom and achieve full love. But unfortunately, Whether you expect it or not, the pain is there. Why do we have so much pain and what are the steps to mourn her story? Heartache, how to get out of it and overcome it?
Heartache, how to get out of it and overcome it?
A heartbreak is worth what a person experiences when a romantic relationship ends or is not established. The hopelessness brought on by the non-reciprocity of feelings or the breakup can be very difficult to live with and lead to withdrawal, sadness, depression, and even worse.
Take the shock of a heartache
Lightning has just fallen on us: it’s over, he or she is leaving us. It doesn’t matter how it was announced to us, whatever the causes of the breakup, it doesn’t matter whether we expected it or not: it hurts, that’s all.
This moment was so difficult, that we hoped never to have to live, to face, these words that we did not want to hear, it has just taken place. Sometimes we realize immediately, sometimes we need time to collect, assimilate the information. In both cases, we are rarely prepared and the shock is severe, the trauma violent.
We feel devastated, we are terribly afraid of the future because at the time, for us our future only existed through the other and the reality of our couple. We can no longer think and we do not know how to react.
How to react to the ad
There is no one ideal or a unique way to react to the news of a breakup. It depends on our personality, our temperament, the cause of the breakup, the experience of the couple. So yes, it is worth avoiding threats, violence, and yelling as much as possible, for our own good because damaging our ego adds to the suffering, and anger, in addition to exhausting us, will not make him or her change. opinion, on the contrary. But we do not always control his reactions and it is rare that separation takes place without cries or tears.
In any case, in a state of shock, the brain goes to sleep and is unable to assimilate the explanations that one would like to hear. If there must be explanations, they will take place later. Once the shock has passed, after having regained possession of our means, we often need to understand in order to mourn our relationship.
Heartache: the different stages of mourning in love
A heartache is a form of mourning, it is the loss of one’s love. The breakup in love confronts us with our jealousy and our grief because the person continues to live, but without us. We have to admit that we are no longer part of his life, that we have been rejected.
The 5 stages or phases of mourning in love
These stages constitute a cycle. You can experience them all in a few days and then stay in one phase for a longer period. They overlap and recur until complete healing.
First phase: devastation or denial
What you had built together has just collapsed. You are devastated. This first phase is the most difficult. The suffering is extreme and you have the feeling that it will never go away. First of all, you don’t believe what is happening to you, you feel like you are going through a horrible nightmare.
It is even possible that you are having suicidal thoughts, because you feel that your life has no more value, meaning and you doubt your ability to get through it. The rejection you have suffered has destroyed or shaken your self-confidence. You are “down” and you wonder where you are going to get the strength to get up.
Keep in mind that this is all strictly temporary.
Second phase: weaning
You must now learn to live without the other. The withdrawal effect felt is similar to that of a drug. You lack affection, security and feel a lack.
You are inhabited by the hope of the return of the loved one and this generates constant pain. Some will try everything to win him/her back. There are times when you feel able to survive and at others, you sink into despair.
During this phase, your challenge is to learn and accept to live without the other.
Third phase: interiorization or withdrawal into oneself
This step is unique to mourning in love. During this phase, you are the object of your own anger, it is directed against yourself to better flog yourself. You idealize your ex, you accumulate regrets and doubts. This is the “I should have done”, “I could have done” phase.
Your self-esteem is devastated. The shame you feel for being rejected makes you keep your emotions to yourself. You isolate yourself as if this withdrawal is proof that you don’t deserve to be loved. You doubt your ability to inspire the love that you sorely lack.
A feeling of invisibility invades you, you are in the midst of an identity crisis.
Fourth phase: rage or anger
Until then, the rage was a letdown. Now it is a productive rage that gives you the energy you need for new self-esteem. The externalization of rabies is essential to the healing process.
Read also: 10 positive quotes about breaking up in love
You need transformation, by getting rid of negative emotions, by externalizing them. You free yourself from regrets. This is called the reversal of rejection. You no longer idealize your ex, sometimes you even dream of revenge.
But this phase is also an acceptance of reality. To curse reality is to get around mourning. To accept reality is to accept loss and renunciation. You are at a crossroads: you can continue to challenge what you dislike or decide to face reality.
The more you fight against what is happening to you, the more painful moments you will have. Face the circumstances and ask yourself what you can do to improve your lot.
Fifth phase: recovery
You are finally coming to the end of your loving mourning. Your spirit is lightened and you taste moments of peace and liberation.
You feel stronger, you feel revived. Your self-esteem is on the rise and you are proud to see the progress made in this direction. As close as possible to your emotions, you are open to new encounters. You know you will soon be ready to love again.
You feel ready for a new life. It is during this phase that you realize that you can get out of it and leave your heartache behind.
How long does heartache last?
Suffering is normal, it is even healthy because to overcome the pain you have to feel it. This phase of intense pain lasts a few days, rarely more than six, during which grief occupies the whole mind.
Getting through this pain is a necessity. If we do not welcome it, that we try to forget through means such as alcohol or drugs, it is only a postponement. As long as the pain is not digested, it comes back like a boomerang.
This is a more or less long process that breaks down into two stages. First of all, you have to put your pain into words and especially not try to run away from it. This speaking work allows us to understand our relationship, the way it was experienced, and the reasons for the breakup. Then, always thanks to the word, the psyche will digest the pain. That is to say that the pain will deactivate as we find meaning in what has happened.
However, we cannot speed up the process. Despite the social, family, and friendly pressure that forces us to grieve quickly, this work takes more or less time depending on each person’s personality. You have to give yourself time.
So don’t let anyone beat you up for not going fast enough. As long as you move through the various stages of grieving, you are on the right track.
Heartache: how to get out of it?
From a practical point of view
Call a trusted person to help
You shouldn’t be left alone after the news of your separation is announced, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Even if you are not a person who confides or speaks easily, call someone who is trustworthy, caring, gentle, who will not seek to lecture you or judge the situation.
There is nothing more depressing than someone who says to you: ” You see, I told you so”, who thinks he knows everything “He had not forgotten his ex” or who drifts towards shoddy shrink generalizations like: “You should have been wary, at this age, they’re immature.”
Take care of yourself
Do you totally let yourself go? Wandering around in your pajamas, crying under your duvet, not even washing? Go straight in the shower! Make an appointment with the hairdresser, go shopping, organize a party with your friends. You will see how nice it is to be pampered.
You are a man? This also applies to you, go shower and shave, and call your friends back! There is nothing nicer than taking care of yourself when things go wrong.
We survived the first few days, the hard part is done. Of course, we are still fragile, but we are no longer in a state of shock. During this new period, the good news is that we are now able to carry out activities that make us feel good.
Go out, enjoy your friends, recreate a friendly circle
No more romantic evenings? For now only!
Whether it’s a soccer match with friends, an evening with family, or going out for a drink with friends, now focus on the friendly exchanges that will gradually give you back a taste for life.
Read also: 5 things to do absolutely after a breakup
When you have taken enough perspective on your separation, you will see how much you enjoy building new social relationships.
See celibacy on the bright side!
You have free time to indulge your passion, get back to the sport, change your look or work, whatever project you have in mind, will help you regain self-confidence and repair your ego.
Have you stopped practicing yoga, dancing, or jogging? Enjoy it. And even if the urge is not there, force yourself at the beginning! Get back to what you loved to do before entering into married life, which can sometimes be quite routine!
If you are one of those who like to play sports to let off steam, do not hesitate, physical activity releases euphoric endorphins that distract the mind from ruminations. But there are other things you can do to soften heartaches: read a captivating book, watch escape shows, gorge yourself on comedies or melodies – all the tears you will shed over the misfortune of others are so many. crying that you will save on your own fate.
Get rid of your belongings
Empty all of her belongings that are left with you, and soon see how to find a home if you were living together. And put away the photos, the letters, in short, all the traces of your past love, seeing them will only reinforce the pain you already feel. When the heartache is over, you will decide what to do with them, throw them away or keep them, when you come to see some fond memories.
Once your home has got rid of the traces of its presence or settled into your new home sweet home, you will feel better.
From an emotional and psychological point of view
Relativize: we all know that one day
Whether you are coming out of a short or long relationship, heartache happens to everyone. Even the best of us. Rest assured, you are not alone in this case.
So, yes, “the others, you don’t care!” For now, because the world is full of singles with whom you could start a bit of road, and you will realize it quickly.
All ruptures have one thing in common: we get over it. By respecting simple principles, taking care of yourself, and relying on those close to you.
Ask yourself questions yes, but not just any!
Try to figure out how your relationship ended up in failure, which didn’t work. A couple is built in two. So on your side, ask yourself to what extent you have contributed to this romantic wreck. Not to save him if the decision is irremediable, but to not make the same mistakes again in your next relationship.
However, admitting your mistakes does not mean that you alone bear the failure of your relationship so be indulgent to yourself. Responsibilities are often shared in a separation, and blaming yourself or feeling guilty won’t do you any good.
And above all, the essential thing, give up absolutely wanting to understand why your ex left you! It is useless to fret, to ruminate, because there is not always a logical reason and above all a good reason to help you understand, and that ultimately does not matter: the result is there, you were no longer happy together.
Restore your ego
The first rule is not to call your ex back. Don’t try to keep in touch. No, you have nothing urgent to tell him, and no, your line is not in trouble: if the phone does not ring, it means that he is not calling.
Have an explanation? We won’t have any. That he or she reconsider his or her decision? If it was a wish, it would already be done. To call on him is to maintain the broken link, to deny reality, and to suffer even more. To the sadness, no need to add the anguish in front of his empty mailbox.
Self-confidence has taken a big hit, but once self-esteem is saved, then it is possible to think about future relationships, to demand more happiness, to avoid the mistakes of the past.
“What does not kill makes you stronger,” said Nietzsche. Building on suffering and pain allows us to know how to get around them in the future!
And one day we move on
If your love affair is over, consider that the good memories are not lost. Think about the good things you’ve been through, rather than what you won’t experience. And someday there will be just that, the memories, and indifference or a form of nostalgia.
Also Read: Getting Quit: Why Is It The Best Thing That Could Happen To You
When you feel ready, it’s time to take off on new adventures, build a stable relationship, or stay single. The main thing is to follow your intuition and focus on yourself, so that the desire to live a new story does not prevent you from mourning the previous one, and possibly making changes in your life.