Fear of being in a relationship: 7 rules to overcome it
Why are we afraid of loving and being in a relationship?
The couple can sometimes harbor deep fears in spite of themselves in a person who sees any form of romantic engagement as a potential source of suffering. Fear of suffering, therefore, of getting involved, of being abandoned or betrayed: so many ideas that demonize the couple.
What are these fears that can paralyze to the point of preventing any lasting romantic relationship?
Fear of suffering
Almost everyone has experienced one or more past love disappointments . But for some, the pain has been so strong that the fear of hurting remains well anchored and prevents them from projecting again.
Fear of doing harm
Conversely, it may be you who have hurt the other in the past. You’ve moved on and you feel guilty, but the fear of doing wrong is holding you back from wanting to engage with someone new.
The fear of being in a relationship because of the fear of commitment
This fear can be a real phobia for those who do not use it as an excuse to lie, break or run away from any relationship. Some people really suffer from this fear of being involved with someone for a long time. This terrifies them and therefore any attachment is prohibited.
Fear of loss of identity
Some people think that falling in love means that they have to give up some parts of their identity, to be one with the other and therefore to lose their individuality. The couple is then perceived as a source of imbalance and danger.
The fear of losing your freedom
Couple rhymes with compromise, concessions and even constraints for many. This perception gives them the image of the couple which imprisons, which blocks, which prevents to do what one wants and to be oneself. The very idea of a couple is therefore perceived for some as a trap in which we must especially not fall.
Read also: Fusion couple: How to get out of this dangerous mechanism?
Beyond these different fears, the weight of the past plays an important role in blocking the desire to be in a relationship.
A bad image of the couple built during childhood
The image we have of the couple is built during childhood. It is a crucial period during which we form our first idea of the couple by observing our parents. If this model is disappointing, disturbing or even downright toxic, this can explain a strong apprehension to love by the fear of reproducing a similar pattern.
Read also: Happy parents, happy children? The importance of parental happiness
Painful past relationships: one of the main reasons for fear of being in a relationship
As we said above, the fear of suffering comes mainly from our sentimental past and the associated disappointments, which may have left marked traces. Any new relationship inevitably brings back those past experiences and can, at the same time, reopen old wounds. Fear of being betrayed, deceived, manipulated, mistreated, abandoned … Some experiences cause a strong trauma on which we must work to heal, regain confidence and regain the desire to be in a relationship.
A lack of self-confidence
Beyond others, your parents, your exes, the most important person in your life is you. And sometimes the fear of loving comes from an inability to do so because you have no confidence in yourself and therefore in others. How to love or be loved when you don’t love yourself? When you lack self-confidence, you can very quickly enter a vicious circle. Your almost irrational fear of not being kind keeps you from getting into a love affair because you don’t feel worthy of it. Often, emotional deprivation or rejection is the source of this feeling. The risk is also to fall into a pattern of emotional dependence .
So how do you overcome your fear of loving? How can you leave behind your various fears which are an obstacle to love?
Read also: Lack of self-confidence in the couple
Fear of being in a relationship: 7 rules to overcome it
# 1 Identify and understand the origin and reasons for your fears
The first thing to do to overcome your fear of being in a relationship is to understand where this fear comes from, as described above. Depending on the fear associated with your blockage, understanding the reason (s) can help you work on it. Fear, blockage, phobia, trauma, it can be more or less intense and anchored depending on the person. Identifying the source of the problem is the first step. Then you have to dismantle this fear, deconstruct it by agreeing to confront it in order to make it disappear. For this, work in personal development or with a professional is often the best solution.
# 2 Work on your fears to put them into perspective
Fear of infidelity, of abandonment, of simply suffering. Because of your past, you see everything in black and for you, love cannot be healthy, beautiful, sincere. It’s normal to be afraid, and it’s true that to love is to take the risk of suffering. But for all that, one cannot lock everything in oneself and prevent oneself from loving. We are all afraid and somewhere, it is the game of love. And overcoming your fears won’t happen overnight, so be persistent and patient.
But make your past, your wounds, your fears, a force. You don’t want to relive some things anymore, so trust yourself in your future love choice. Listen to your intuition, your heart, and do not do anything that is not of your free will. But for all that accept the fact that sentimental wounds are inevitable, it’s part of the love game
# 3 Without love, life isn’t worth living
We can decry the couple, refuse the attachment or any form of commitment, tell ourselves that it is not for us. Being in a couple is not an obligation and celibacy is not inevitable. We can indeed be very happy alone. But what you shouldn’t do is resign yourself to emotional loneliness out of fear, for the wrong reasons. So yes love can do, can and can hurt, but deep down, loving is the most beautiful thing in the world, right? True love is worth living, so take your time, protect yourself, but don’t give up!
Read also: Philophobia or the fear of falling in love
# 4 Confront your past to turn the page
Are you one of the many people who are afraid to love because love has made you suffer? And yes, you are not alone in this case … To overcome this fear, you will have to agree to confront it once and for all.
Take the time, even if it is painful, to revisit some bad memories you have with your ex. You undoubtedly remember the problems, the arguments, the lies… Take the time to analyze what happened, to understand the mechanism and with the hindsight that you have now, realize that this diagram does not does not have to be repeated. The past is the past, your ex is not a clone of all your future encounters. Don’t make comparisons, don’t think that everyone is the same, or that all love stories are the same.
Fear of being in a relationship: 3 other rules to overcome it
# 5 regain self-confidence
As we have seen, at the center of it all, there is often a huge lack of self-confidence. A relationship can leave its mark, it’s human. Or you may have always repeated a wobbly and unbalanced love pattern in which you did not assert yourself, precisely out of fear. That time is over. To stop being afraid of being in a relationship, you have to put your self-confidence back at the center of your life.
Through simple techniques and personal development exercises like self-talk or visualization, positive thoughts can help you better deal with your apprehensions and fears in love. So challenge your negative thoughts that may prevent you from loving or being loved. Turn them into a positive thought.
# 6 agree to let go
As we have said, to love is to take a risk, it is inevitable. And in particular, it is accepting the fact of being vulnerable. To let go, to trust. This is often the most difficult for people who are suspicious in a relationship because they find it difficult to open their hearts. If you want to overcome your fear of being in a relationship, you have to break the ice and let go. It may seem scary at first, but it is a necessary step in becoming more comfortable in love. If you are still in fear or in control, nothing will be possible. So don’t be afraid to suffer or lose your freedom. Accept the fact that in love, not everything can be written down, codified, controlled and that feelings need space and freedom to be born, blossom and strengthen.
Read also: 10 solutions to let go and live fully
# 7 Listen to your feelings and set your limits
Of course, putting aside your fears and letting go does not mean accepting everything and going headlong. Overcoming your fears is the right thing to do, but to embark on the adventure of a couple is to take yourself into consideration, and not just the other. It is therefore important to listen to your feelings, to trust yourself and to set your limits if something does not suit you, bothers you or scares you. The best way to move forward serenely towards the path of the couple is to do so with confidence.
And then obviously, the best thing to do, the only rule that really matters so that the very idea of the couple does not scare you anymore, is to let yourself go to your feelings, in reciprocity and sincerity of course, to love and be loved, quite simply!