My love story: Between intense happiness and painful tears (Jeanne)
Love is a complicated thing. We all hope one day to meet our other half, we tell ourselves that once we have the right person by our side, then finally we will be happy for all life. Only we do not choose this soul mate and we do not know when our paths will cross.
I think I found mine.
I waited 20 years. It’s short, it’s been young, we say to ourselves: ” how can she settle down now? She still has time before settling down ”. But we do not choose this person or when we meet him! I hadn’t chosen to fall in love with a great boy two months before I left the city where I lived for 20 years. It’s crazy when you think about it. I spent 20 years of my life looking for this boy to meet him when I felt ready to leave this city… It was love at first sight .
I felt at ease with him, very quickly, I could confide everything to him even my darkest thoughts, he never judged me. It seemed natural to me to fall in love with him, natural to sleep with him when before I was always afraid when a boy touched me.
He had taken a place in my life that was waiting for him.
Only I left the country for my studies. Another wonderful fact about him, he never asked me to put it before my passion for the theater. “Normal! You will tell me. It is not for everyone. And he agreed to go out with me knowing he would lose me 2 months later. I don’t think he and I really thought our story would go this far. We just enjoyed the moment knowing that we would be separated at the end of the year.
These 2 short months have been wonderful.
I had never felt so happy, so complete. Getting on that plane was torture for me. I turned my back on the first adventure, the first serious relationship of my life. But we still went out together despite the distance . In my heart, there was a certainty, a voice that told me “ this one is your person, you will find him again because you have this bond which unites you and which will never be undone. Even if an ocean separates you ”.
Despite everything there was a rupture , a tear in the heart, a fear of never seeing this boy again who had given me so much.
There was a second meeting, another boy who helped me heal this hole that had dug deep in my chest without ever actually plugging it.
I came back and thought to myself that the crazy love I felt for my first love was gone. Only once I saw him again, it all came back to me, and our chemistry that I thought had gone astray came back naturally. Only we were afraid. We then loved, torn, separated, found each other. He said he had no feelings, I felt like I had them for both of us. I was told to stop, to turn the page, that he didn’t like me and that I had to get used to it. But the only way not to feel that hole deep inside me was to throw myself into his arms once more.
I knew it was not over, no one understood me but I knew he would come back.
My departure to Paris did not change anything and after yet another argument, we finally got back together. We had moments of happiness, but also a lot of unhappiness. I think the distance has never really worked for us. I needed him, his attention, he didn’t need the pressure, he needed time. We broke up again. And the hole in my chest reopened again.
Life had lost its taste, I was devastated.
I told myself that in the end it was not the right one that I had better let him go. But there’s still that voice deep inside me screaming at me not to give up, like it’s from the future and screaming at me to hold on, to wait, that one day he and I will finally be together forever. So far this voice has always been right, to push me to hang on. We saw each other again, loved each other and promised that one day our paths will cross again. Because we love each other. With a love so strong that we cannot separate, that we cannot turn the page .
But our lives are not in accordance with our love.
We live in different cities and cannot go to each other’s. So we love each other. When I come home for the holidays, the rare times he goes up. We tell ourselves that we will meet again and we take advantage of each caress that the other gives us. I cannot ask him for the sacrifice of being my boyfriend when he has to rebuild himself, for our future which I hope will be true. I have this little voice in my head telling me it’s the right choice.
When all our friends push us to separate.
It’s sad because they don’t understand, think they want our good by hurting us. I would like us to understand the love we feel for each other . That we complement each other, that we can talk to each other for hours and hours about anything and everything. That we can stay in each other’s arms for a whole day, or even more, it’s so comfortable. That I could look him in the eye and never tire of it. That I know the person he will become, that I will be there to help him become that person. I love him and he loves me so please let us live. In a way that is certainly not in conformity, but what does it matter? Since when must love be put in a box?