Where does deception begin in a relationship?
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
Where does deception begin in a relationship? At first sight, at the first message exchanged, at the first kiss? Yes, is kissing cheating? Because the rest, the intimacy, for all couples or almost, is to deceive. We generally associate deception, infidelity, adultery, with the physical act, with intimate relationships shared with a person other than his “official” partner whose life we share. So what is it really? Is it different from one couple to another? Are the boundaries set or does the cursor move according to people, sensitivities, degree of engagement and time? Where does deception begin in a couple, overview.
Where does deception begin in a relationship?
Above all, deception begins when the limits established within the couple are exceeded . If each couple defines its own limits, of what is authorized, bearable, forbidden or intolerable within it, by a moral contract or act, the crossing of these barriers is worth as an act of deception, infidelity or adultery. And that, according to the degree of engagement of the couple.
For adultery, in fact, this term only prevails if the couple has made official marriage vows . Otherwise, we will therefore speak of deception or infidelity, and this comes within the framework of a moral or tacit contract between the two partners, without official value, except those of respect and sincerity that normally dedicates to the other.
What does deceive mean?
By definition, to deceive is to mislead someone by lying, concealment, cunning . Within the framework of the couple, it is associated with the concept of fidelity . To be faithful would be to have romantic relationships only with the loved one and to respect the commitment made to them to be exclusively attached to them.
What do we mean by romantic relationships? If the feelings are absent, is there deception? And is it necessarily physical, carnal?
We also talk about commitment and exclusivity, is this the case for all couples?
The special case of non-exclusive couples
Before going any further, it should be remembered that for certain couples, known as free, libertines, swingers or who practice polyamory , the notion of fidelity, and therefore of deception, is not the same.
For these couples, it is either possible to love several people , and therefore to share the same thing with each of them, or to consider physical relationships as an independent element of the couple , which does not involve feelings. So some people love several and therefore make love indifferently to their various partners. And others sleep with several people, sometimes with their official partner at the same time, without this calling into question their relationship and the commitment they have made. For them, the notion of couple is detached from the notion of fidelity in the sense in which we mostly understand it. For these couples, therefore, there is no deception in the couple, physically speaking.
Where does deception begin in a “traditional” couple?
Loyalty is a value, so not everyone has the same definition. It is necessary to have a serious discussion on the subject in your marriage, so that each one exposes his point of view on fidelity and on the limits not to be exceeded. The couple must come to an agreement, otherwise trust is impossible.
Emotional deception or infidelity
Are we responsible for everything that goes on in our head? And above all, should you tell your partner everything or is it normal to have potentially shameful thoughts in your secret garden?
Thinking of another person, is it deceiving?
We would tend to say no if it is a dream – therefore unintentional – or a fantasy for a celebrity. But what if you start to think of an ex, a work colleague, a man you see every day in the subway?
Knowing the person often seems to be the barrier that should not be crossed. Thinking of an unreachable or unknown person is fine. But the co-worker, the pretty intern, her ex, is less acceptable. And accepted?
Make love while thinking of someone else?
It happens between you … and you! What is going on in your brain right now is up to you. Certainly, it can be confusing to think of someone other than the one you are having an intimate moment with. If this is not strictly speaking deceiving, perhaps this is the opportunity to ask yourself the right questions : is it a fantasy? Someone you can’t seem to forget? Was the hug disappointing? Or are you questioning your current relationship?
Letting yourself be flirted with, is it cheating?
From an emotional point of view, being flirted with, regardless of the context, is an open door. Let’s say that it is not deception strictly speaking, because you did not do anything wrong and that you are not at the origin – and therefore not responsible – of the interest which one carries to you. . In fact, it all depends on your behavior. Usually, to please is flattering to the ego, unless the person is heavy, vulgar, repulsive. If you are confident in your relationship or very much in love, there is little chance that you will pay attention. A “no thank you, I’m not interested, I’m in a relationship” will be your answer. On the other hand, if the person is likely to please you physically and you need to be reassured about yourpower of seduction , it is not impossible that you let a little game of flirting take hold. Innocent, the game? Not really, and you know it …
Is it possible to deceive virtually? Born with our new 2.0 modes of communication , virtual infidelity was not something that existed decades ago. But today, the proliferation of dating sites and applications, social networks, forums and groups of all kinds facilitate emotional connections. You can live hundreds or thousands of miles away and have a special relationship with someone. How? ‘Or’ What ? Through messages, sending photos and videos, calls, videos, and all the atmosphere created by this new mode of communication. We don’t see each other, we don’t touch each other, but we write or call each other all the time, we create a bond and then we nurture a link, we even create a kind of virtual lack .
A new form of deception?
Emotional infidelity via the virtual has exploded in recent years and many couples are concerned by this new form of transgression. Can we talk about deception when we let ourselves be flirted with virtually on Facebook or Instagram?
When we spend hours exchanging written messages with a former colleague, a friend from college, whom we have certainly not seen again, but who is part of our “virtual” life? How do you consider this when this person becomes a confidante to whom we sometimes say more things than to the person with whom we are in a relationship?
Let’s say that the rules are broken and that we fall into deception when the confidences become declarations, that the sweet words and that the intimate photos are invited and that we leave a notion of lack and therefore of ambiguity more than concrete to settle down.
So on the one hand we feel a little guilty, on the other hand we say to ourselves that we are not doing anything wrong, since this whole story is not real. But you have to be sincere with yourself. Yes, concretely, it is not an infidelity in the classic sense of the term. But if we put ourselves in the other’s shoes, we quickly realize that we would not like to fall into this kind of conversation. Basically, virtual infidelity is much deeper than it seems.
Where does physical deception begin in a relationship?
Degrees of physical infidelity
As we said above, getting hit on is not our fault. But letting yourself be flirted with and therefore allowing a game of seduction is different. This brings into what is called flirting. So yes, if you are flirting with someone just to check your seductive power or to get out of the routine, but without going any further, we can’t talk about infidelity. But, if this flirting foreshadows physical contact or a romantic relationship , we fall into infidelity.
Do you let that person come close to you, brush against you? Did you dance together glued tight? And what about staring games and strong smiles?
Let’s be honest, flirting while in a relationship is a first step in infidelity for many. If this often remains contextual, ad hoc and nothing happens afterwards, the fact remains that you have let someone seduce you. Your ego, surely … On the other hand, if it goes further, and the rapprochement becomes physical, then there, yes according to the codes of your couple, the deception is proven.
Kissing, is it cheating?
For many, probably the majority, the answer is yes. Kissing is the first physical sign of intimacy and the kiss on the mouth is reserved for love, seduction, desire. And so in a relationship, if you are not single and in a so-called exclusive relationship, your mouth should not touch someone else’s lips. Some people distinguish between the simple kiss on the mouth, the smack and the French kiss, with the tongue, longer and supported, which leaves no doubt about what is happening. Kissing someone other than your partner is obviously not trivial. Once again, each couple has their limits. For some it is anecdotal, for others it is unforgivable.
The Ultimate Physical Deception: Making Love With Another
The question does not arise, except for the “free” couples mentioned above. Having intimate intercourse outside of a couple is the act of the highest treason for most couples. It has gone beyond all authorized limits, it is to have accepted a degree of total intimacy with a person other than the one whose bed – and life – is normally shared. For some, having sex is not that important. We sleep together but we are not really together is something that exists more and more. Sex has become commonplace, in the sense that it lends itself to overconsumption. We make love more easily than we do as a couple.It’s a reality. But for all that, for couples, those who have taken vows of commitment and fidelity or at least who have confessed their feelings of love, total physical infidelity remains the strongest deception that can exist.
Is it more or less serious than emotional or virtual infidelity? Is it forgivable, can we get over it? As for each example given, each couple has its own tolerance threshold.
The best way to know when you’re going overboard? Put yourself in the other’s shoes . And the adage that “don’t do to others – to the other here – what you wouldn’t like us – him or her to do” has never been truer!