Separation of the couple after the baby’s arrival: testimony of Noémie
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
Becoming a parent is not easy. The romantic evenings sometimes become a disaster movie, the lovers’ bed becomes the bed of the whole family … The parental couple seems to have replaced the conjugal couple for good.to such an extent that these upheavals can endanger the couple and lead to separation. But there are other reasons than fatigue, the intimate life put aside, the places of each difficult to find to explain a separation of the couple after the arrival of baby. Sometimes the man or the woman with whom we have a baby is absolutely not the father or the mother that we had imagined, hoped for. Family life cannot then be built up in a healthy way, and there is no longer any solution. Does this mean that we were wrong all along the line? Separation of the couple after the baby’s arrival: Testimony of Noémie
Separation of the couple after the baby’s arrival: Testimony of Noémie
“When he disappointed me as a father and no longer just as a man, I knew there was nothing left to save . Neither couple nor family life. To stay together would have been a mistake, a permanent suffering, a fool’s game. An unhealthy place to live for our child. “
This is how our couple got there, how I had the click …
“I realized that if our desire to become parents was very real and shared when our baby was conceived, it was not for the future. We didn’t share anything about our way of envisioning our life with a baby, about the very idea of family life. Very quickly an incompatibility arose concerning our priorities in life, as a couple, as a family. We did not share the same operating methods, the same patterns.
I had no doubt become too much of a mother, and he has not become enough of a father . The imbalance was there, very real and more and more characteristic of our life. It’s like there is a before and after baby.
Were there any warning signs of other marital problems before the birth? During pregnancy ? Or even before? Or would our couple have held on if we hadn’t become parents?
I asked myself the question for a long time… But today with hindsight I really think that our couple was not strong enough, balanced, healthy to move forward together no matter what. Baby or not, separation was inevitable.
Separation of the couple after the arrival of baby: a family life very quickly unbalanced?
On my return from maternity, we had a few months of joy all the same. Despite the fatigue, the pace to take with baby, the happiness of being parents was there. It was not all catastrophic immediately. Surely because our baby took all the place of our concerns. But surely also and above all because I was in my bubble as a young mother and I did not want or knew how to immediately see what was wrong. Because when I think about it, I finally wonder if we have experienced real moments of happiness together. It’s crazy to say to yourself that you loved or thought you loved someone strong enough to have a baby with them but that in the end there aren’t many good memories left; that the family moments are few.
Concretely, during the first months, I was in my mother’s cocoon. Taking advantage of the first months without working again, I built a very strong bond with my child, undoubtedly fusional. Not to the point of excluding dad, but maybe I didn’t give him enough room. He worked and when he came home early in the evening he seemed happy to be there, to be a father. I wanted him to find his place, did I help him enough?
I don’t know but I refuse to take all the responsibility. He has the right to blame me, the right to see me as an overly fused mother, or the right to say that I had put our baby at the forefront of my concerns before him for a few months.
But what he has no right to say is that he was prevented from creating a real bond with his child. Because it is false and this link, he alone was responsible for it. It was up to him to behave like daddy
A father, not a dad?
Only after just a few months, it was as if the appeal of this new role of father had lost its interest in him. As if he was suffocating in the three of us. He came home later and later from work, always wanted to go out to see his friends, to go have fun.
I even thought he was cheating on me . Any young mother must ask herself the question of her power of seduction after childbirth and I have not escaped the rule. Maybe he didn’t want me anymore, that I wasn’t trying hard enough, that he saw me as the mother of his child but more as his wife.
Relationship crisis and baby-clash?
Very quickly there was an accumulation of problems between us. Misunderstandings, tensions, silences heavy with meaning which have deviated into disputes and conflicts . Solutions I looked for. Trying to communicate well as a couple , questioning yourself, accepting reproaches, admitting your wrongs… All of this has been mentioned. But it’s hard to work things out with someone who doesn’t want to be there anymore. Who dreams of another life but just doesn’t have the courage to leave …
I was no longer his wife, he was no longer the one I had fallen in love with. Of our couple there was nothing left except our baby. Until the end I tried to hang on to our family life as it seemed unthinkable to me to separate after giving birth to our child!
I accepted a lot of things for a few more months, hushing my fears and my anger as a woman, gagging my disappointment as a mother … This is not how I had hoped for my family life.
From my desire to build a warm home, moving memories, to move forward with concrete projects, he opposed silent boredom at best, much more personal ambitions at worst …
Separation of the couple after the arrival of the baby: we had become two strangers
Raising somehow under the same roof our child of barely one year old, we lived together… It was no longer livable but he seemed to take pleasure in this non-life of couple and family taking the house for a hotel, not sharing with our baby only a few rare moments of complicity.
Children are sponges, it is well known and ours, however small it may be, has not escaped the rule; the tense atmosphere between us awakened anxieties, tears, sleep problems. The well-being of our baby was at stake, there was no way I could put him in danger
Separation of the couple after the baby’s arrival: a click without going back possible
The click came when I realized therefore, that it was not only the man I did not recognize, but also the father that he was not.
I had to take our baby to the pediatric emergency room one evening, following a quickly worrying fever and breathing difficulties. He had bronchiolitis. I called his father who was still late when he should have already finished the job. No answer, I went to the hospital on my own. After being taken care of there and reassured about my baby’s health, still not having any news, I left two text messages. He deigned to call me back at last.
And that was the hammer blow for me.
Claiming that I had already handled the situation and that our baby was out of danger and that there was nothing serious, he felt it was unnecessary to join me. He was no longer working, but he had gone to see some “friends” and then thought to go straight back to sleep! We would meet at home …
I didn’t know if I should scream or cry anymore. I hung. This is where there was the famous click in me. To continue like this with a man who disgusted me now and in whom I no longer had any confidence even when it came to his role as a father? Impossible !
I returned the next morning.
Despite the fatigue of a sleepless night, I exploded. I told him everything I had on my heart, everything that was not bearable, not normal. Everything I didn’t want to live with him anymore, without him, because of him. It was finished. I think he was just waiting for that, for me to make the decision. Coward in addition …
He left the house two weeks after the time to organize himself, he did not ask for custody of our baby or even alternate custody. He lives today as a bachelor, contenting himself at his request with a more or less respected right of visit.
Our child was not yet two years old when his mum and dad separated . I blame myself and I’m sad for him. I will always be so even today that years have passed. But I know that I had no other choice for our balance and our happiness than to separate myself from his father. He will always be his father, and I just hope he will one day understand what a joy it is to be a dad… ”