My husband has been distant since giving birth: what to do?
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
Since the arrival of the baby, you have felt your husband distant. No matter how much you approach him, he seems unresponsive, and that makes you suffer. You don’t share much together anymore except what is related to the “baby” organization. Besides, you only talk about that, because it seems closed to everything else. And you say to yourself: My husband has been distant since childbirth. So what to do? To best help you, I interviewed several moms and dads.
He has been distant since childbirth: understand the reasons
He feels excluded from the mommy-baby merger
You have carried your child within you for 9 months, and now that he is here your husband may be having difficulty taking on his role as a father. It is possible that he feels excluded from your fusional duo.
This is all the more the case, if you have gotten into the habit of making remarks to him that make him understand that he is not doing things well enough, that you do them better than him. This is why over time he has less desire to make efforts and invest himself.
It is also possible that he feels that he no longer has any attention from you , that he has been reduced to the strict role of father, and no longer of husband or lover. He may feel a kind of jealousy towards your baby , which demands your full attention on a daily basis.
He takes the role of the financial pillar
Until a few decades ago, it was agreed that the woman should bring up and care for the children at home, while the man “worked hard” to be able to provide for the financial needs of the family.
It is still a practice which is unconsciously inscribed in mentalities today.
The father tends to work a lot (so he is scarce and tired) to make up for the fact that he was not the protective and nurturing pillar of your child while he was in your womb. It is his way of investing.
He might be acting this way too because he doesn’t quite know how to help you with your baby on a daily basis, so he takes refuge in what he does know.
He has postpartum depression
Contrary to what one might think, some fathers also experience postpartum depression (depression linked to the birth of a child), which causes them to move away and fail to invest in the family life.
It can be related to the shock of childbirth, to realizing that they are becoming fathers, which is a source of anguish for them.
In this case, there is the fear of being a bad father and not knowing how to manage, as well as a drop in libido.
He is in fusion with his baby
Conversely, it may be that your husband is in total fusion with your baby and that it is you who feel a little too much! Some dads compensate for not being able to carry their child by spending a lot of time with them after birth.
My husband has been distant since childbirth: the solutions
Talk to him to reassure you
Dialogue, dialogue and dialogue! It is important that you can talk about how you feel with him, so that you can reassure him, and reassure yourself at the same time. Ask him how he feels, if he has any particular fears and apprehensions. The couple communication has never been more important!
He will surely tell you that the fact that he is distant is not linked to a lack of love, but to the fact that he needs a time to adapt to all these upheavals.
Make sure to keep a balance
Often after childbirth, we have no more time for ourselves, and we are very tired, which is normal.
But it’s important that your whole life doesn’t revolve around baby alone, for your balance and ultimately your happiness together.
Your relationship needs attention too, so try to save some time together when you can. For example, as soon as you feel ready, you can give your child to babysit with the grandparents for a few hours, to spend time as a couple, as before. Also, try to talk about something other than the baby every now and then.
Remember to take the time to listen carefully to your husband every now and then, to show him that you don’t forget him and that he is still important to you.
After childbirth, the father sometimes feels the desire to “get back” his wife , to regain her attention and the joy of making love with her again, after months of anticipating the arrival of the child. But that’s surely one of your last priorities right now, and that’s understandable. However, keep in mind that it is important to recreate an intimacy little by little, to reconnect with your lover, for the well-being of both of you.
My husband has been distant since giving birth: Involve him more and encourage him in his role as a father
As at work, it is necessary to know how to delegate when you have a child.
Show your husband that you trust him. Ask him to carry your child, to give him the bath, to take care of him alone while you have an evening with friends… It will give you a lot of relief! Involve him in daily tasks, without supervising him to be sure that he reproduces your actions identically.
There is not just one way to do it, and it can be done well and differently. So make sure not to be too critical, so that he does not shine and does not want to start over. It would be a shame !
Reconnect with your femininity
Since giving birth, you may have the impression that your husband wants you less, that he sees you only as a mother, and no longer as his lover.
It also depends a lot on how you see yourself today.
It is true that childbirth causes physical upheaval, and sometimes scars. It may take time to recover, and consider your body as less desirable than before. And without realizing it, we will distance ourselves from the other in anticipation of his rejection.
But remember this: you are beautiful as a mother and as a woman . And I’m sure your husband still finds you as beautiful and desirable as before. Your body has not abandoned you, it is still there. So don’t forget to take care of him little by little. Reconnect with your femininity and your sensuality. You can start by doing two-person massages for example …
Conclusion: my husband has been distant since giving birth
With the arrival of a child, the couple necessarily evolves, and this requires some adjustments as and when. This is all normal.
You have to learn to live together, and everyone has to find their place, which does not happen overnight. Stay confident, and keep talking about it together, to avoid misunderstandings and maintain your bond.