I hate my in-laws: what to do?
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
Today, Aleks is answering a reader’s question: I hate my in-laws, what should I do?
I hate my in-laws: what to do? Laura’s question
Hello to all the team,
I am writing to you because I hate my beautiful family and I don’t know what to do to support them. I’ve been in a relationship with my darling for 5 years, I love him more than anything but that family… I can’t. I hate his father who belittles us all the time: latest example, at a family meal he launches: “Anyway, Clément and Laura given your level of education, you cannot complain about your salaries” Bim gratos … And hurtful and humiliating remarks, it’s every time !!
I hate his mother who has no consideration for me.
We recently announced to them that we were going to get married and she finds that it is “rushed” after 5 years of living together … She is a hypocrite, always smiling in front of me but who does not miss one for me. to break. For example, the other day we were at my darling’s auntie (well a person from her family whom I appreciate!), She confessed to us that my mother-in-law could not stand my piercing (it’s a Snug piercing). to the ear !!), that I was vulgar… Obviously it always hurts to hear that even if I should have got used to it for 5 years!
With my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law it’s cordial… But very cold.
I don’t know what I did to them. Obviously, over the years I have come to hate them. I made efforts at the beginning (gifts, flowers, cakes…). But here I let go. My guy is also angry with them but dares not tell them …
I hate my in-laws and they hate me too… Yet deep down I would like things to change but what to do ??
I hate my in-laws: Aleks’ response
Family relationships are always complex, and relationships in another family all the more so.
I will try to help you in this reflection.
What obviously emerges from your testimony is that you try to understand the problem and have the desire to find solutions.
You describe your life together as a stable and intense relationship. And that is all the essentials.
You have made the choice to know each other, to live together , and soon to unite.
It is essential that your duo be as complicit and serene as possible.
From this impenetrable bubble, will bring trust, respect and recognition. We choose our other, but not our family.
To understand the issues that play out in your in-laws, it is important to target the relationships that play out.
Your companion and his parents, his brothers and sisters, you and his parents.
From this information, you will see if mothering, ambivalence or jealousy lead to conversations.
It is also interesting to note the delicate subjects, and the moments which come close to them.
For example: The Christmas dinner, which sometimes brings together a lot of members, can be more delicate than the Sunday lunch meal, because of the connotation of gifts or even old stories that day.
What’s to emphasize is that you get along well with certain family members, and it’s very interesting, not everyone is against you.
Parents are often tricky.
They give birth to a baby, they imagine their child’s future, have hopes, dreams.
And between the imagined child and the real child, the reality is very different.
Everyone also needs to move forward in their time, and realize that the child is an adult, is building his life, meeting a partner, and wanting to move forward in life.
I hate my in-laws: Conflicts
In this child / parent relationship, you have to find your own place. The foreigner who integrates an already sealed union, the issues already in place, and all the common past.
It is important to keep your unity, your values, your self-confidence, and to remain calm.
You know who you are, better than anyone, you know what your relationship is worth.
Don’t let others make you hesitate or impress you.
Better, show them that despite their reflections, your couple is only more complicit and bigger.
Don’t let them get to you.
Keep a certain distance, speak, but do not monopolize the speech; do not remain silent.
Also know how to bounce back, and tell them, nicely, politely, that their words are disproportionate, hurtful or inaccurate.
If the place, or the date, is tricky, then change the habits.
Are they used to seeing you at their home on Sundays? Tell them that you prefer to receive them yourself, on a Saturday evening.
Take a stand and power in the relationship.
Family issues are not relationships of domination, they are moments of sharing and exchange. If not, tell them. Talk about your emotions, your expectations.
Family mediators can also help you in this process if you wish.
Don’t ask him to take sides, it will put him in a very awkward position. However, a little moral help or support is important. Discussion is essential.
He has a history with his parents, issues in their relationships. We must observe what is at stake.
For example, if her mother covered it a lot, she might never be satisfied with the response that another woman might give.
It should not be jostled in this principle. But you must not let her continue this relationship because she excludes you entirely from it.
I hate my in-laws: my advice
What I suggest to you is to start from scratch . Act like you don’t know anyone, go back to the initial observation, try to see who does what, and how each other’s behavior influences the other, and what relationships develop.
Try to pick them up on who you are .
Step back to others, offering your help in service, or in speaking with a family member.
If reflections or conflicts, politely ask them for a simple explanation of their rejection, or aggression.
If nothing really calms down, remain a conciliator, but they should be in the same process as you, that is to say want to improve the situation.
If nothing finds a solution, stay neutral, and avoid disagreements. Cut down on your visits, even if it means not going there if necessary.
Negativity, wickedness does not advance.
If everything is only suffering, and everything has been tried it is not a failure, you will have tried, but to change, in this situation, it takes two in the dialogue.
I wish you courage in this situation, it could be a long, complex and difficult job, but if you manage to improve even a little your discussions then you will have gained in comfort of life, and you will have imposed yourself as an individual, and that is all the evil that I wish you.