I can’t stand my retired husband anymore: What to do?

I can’t stand my retired husband anymore: What to do?


How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?

Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other… So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?

There are stages in life that upset the balance of a couple, and retirement is one of them. Work is an essential source of socialization and identity. Also, when retirement arrives, it represents an important transition that can destabilize a couple. Getting together all the time is not easy. Adjusting to your new life can take time. This passage is an important change of life, and for many it is necessary to find a new meaning in this last cycle of the life which begins. And for some women, the retirement of their husbands generates exasperation, a source of anguish, fed up, and sometimes arguments. Why ? What happens so that the retirement of one is not at all a long calm river for the other? I can’t stand my retired husband anymore: What to do? Overview on the subject.


I can’t stand my retired husband anymore: What to do?

The retired spouse syndrome

Not supporting her retired husband is often linked to what is called the retired spouse syndrome . It is  a fleeting emotional state  that occurs when your husband retires while you are still working or already well established in your retirement life. This syndrome mainly affects women who are experiencing a stressful phase  , but it is temporary. This is easily explained: the retirement of your husband involves  big changes in habits  since you have never lived like this.

Indeed, retirement can be a stressful passage , because the pace of life changes, all constraints fall. Paradoxical? Not that much, because the constraints are reassuring and structuring for many people. All of a sudden it’s the big void , so it’s freaking out a lot of people. So that’s what makes many retirees go wrong in the first year , and their wives too.

The first year of retirement is a test year

The first year is therefore a delicate year of testing. You have to try new things , find activities that you like while taking your time, and giving yourself the right to change your mind or fail.

For women, patience, benevolence, tolerance are the watchwords. You have to try as much as possible, either to understand it or to leave it alone, but above all not to think for it.

Two solutions  : give her a little time and adapt together to this new life as a couple.

However, if after this phase, harmony does not return to your relationship and you still cannot find a new balance, then concrete solutions should be found .


I can’t stand my retired husband anymore: different desires?

When it comes time to retire, we often see a reversal : the women , who until then mostly managed the house, want to go out . The men , who spent more time outdoors, then decide to devote themselves to the house .

In retirement, we often find them in tidying up, DIY, gardening and sometimes in an almost professional way. Others spend hours in front of the computer or the television.

It is their – unconscious – way of facing the upheaval of the break with professional life. This translates into a desire to return home, a need for rest, the search for a new domestic harmony.

Women, on the other hand, dread loneliness when staying at home and find it easier to look outwards, to build a new social life outside the home thanks to their friendships, volunteering, sport, Hobbies…

Retirement: should we do everything together?

One of the solutions for this new stage in your relationship to go well, is to find each of your own occupations and independent activities. Thus the time spent together at home will be of better quality , boredom will invite itself less often, as will the possible sources of disagreement and arguments.

In addition, it will allow you when you are together, to enrich the conversation in your couple and to preserve the secret garden of each one.

At the same time, it’s a good thing to also find one or more activities that bring you together . And we’re not just talking about housework, shopping or the evening movie. It can be a hobby, a sport, a cultural activity, volunteering …

I can’t stand my retired husband anymore: What to do?

We must therefore be patient and find a balance to live well together. But it is possible, despite these explanations and advice, that the source of your annoyance is deeper. Perhaps your husband has developed a mania or a habit that is becoming unlivable? Or his behavior with you becomes unacceptable?

Here are the main cases of what women often blame their retired husbands for, and possible solutions.

He is a homebody

He spends his time zapping through the dozens of channels to which he has subscribed or filling in crossword puzzles. And he decreed that the time of the digestive nap was essential after lunch. You can’t take it any longer, you have to prepare it days in advance for the slightest outing, it lets itself live and your social life shrinks like a grain of salt.

What to do ? Don’t give him a choice! It is well known, the less we do, the less we want to do! Start by asking him for small favors , by deliberately forgetting something in your shopping so that he goes out. Drag him to a place he liked to go like a DIY store. For his birthday or Christmas, give him the air of nothing a subscription to an activity he loved so that he goes out and sees people. It doesn’t matter, as long as he rediscovers positive sensations. It is a first step . Once you give him a taste for going out again, he will be more willing to accompany you where you want to go.

He discovered an overwhelming passion

Since he retired, he has been passionate about activities that are beyond you. Result: he is no longer interested in you or others. Know that this sudden craze for an activity is a way of telling himself that he still has things to discover even if he no longer works, it reassures him.

What to do ? Leave him to his occupation if it does him good, but do not hesitate to use the technique of blackmail when necessary. Is he hungry and dreams of your homemade lasagna? Okay, but so today he drops his toy and you go for a walk together after lunch!

I can’t stand my retired husband anymore because he is depressed

Your husband speaks little and is no longer interested in anything. Clearly, he is depressed. It is because he feels useless and does not find new goals. This saddens you but above all you don’t know what to do anymore . He finds himself without stakes and without challenges, he feels old and unsolicited.

What to do ? Show him that he can make himself useful and value him . Encourage him to join a club (cards, pétanque, billiards, fishing, walking, for example) to meet friends, to get involved in an association, to go to town hall, to provide services to neighbors, to your children… And if things don’t get better, make an appointment with their doctor .

He is never there

Conversely, your husband is fulfilling his new retirement life like a business owner. He’s never there! He always has an activity, a friend to visit, shopping to do! It’s a draft and it takes the house for a hotel-restaurant!

What to do ? The strike , quite simply! He’s coming home for lunch and everything has to be ready because he’s leaving at 1:30 p.m.? Don’t be there, don’t cook! He’s planning an outing next weekend without telling you? Disappear the next one, come back later than him. After 2-3 times he should figure it out and slow down. And a good discussion will also allow you to tune in.

He wants to decide everything

Your husband wants to rule your life like he managed his team, his employees, his business, his work. It’s up to you to do the housework, to him the organization of the rest, the management of your finances, the invitations, the outings. If you’ve always known him to be a bit directive, that’s unbearable!

What to do ? A good discussion is necessary to make him understand that you are not his servant, and that you also want to enjoy your retirement. Otherwise, the strike , there too, meals and daily management.

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