How to reassure a man who is afraid to commit
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
Here is an article intended primarily for readers, but readers will undoubtedly find very interesting information to communicate on an equal footing with their girlfriends, who have tanned them for months so that they finally engage or d ‘advantage . How to reassure a man who is afraid to commit or to love? Here are some food for thought!
Reassure a man who is afraid to commit: The different senses
First of all, let’s take a look at the dictionary to see what the word “Commitment” means. In Larousse, for example, about fifteen different meanings are associated with it – but the definition of commitment within the framework of a romantic relationship does not appear there.
We begin to perceive at this point that if you girls want to talk about commitment to your man, it’s a safe bet that he doesn’t have the same interpretation as you.
Imagine that, for him, the amorous engagement that you demand from him is synonymous with meaning n ° 1 of Larousse, that is to say “ an act by which one commits to accomplish something; promise, agreement or contract by which we bind ”. Run for your life ! Impossible to change your mind, to be wrong! And how terrible it would be to betray your commitment and feel guilty / to be discredited for life in the eyes of others!
If your companion perceives commitment from sense # 3:
“The act of bringing something, a group into a narrow space”. So commitment is undoubtedly, for him, synonymous with suffocation, panic, death for the most claustrophobic of them.
Come on, one last example, for meaning # 8 “Accounting:
all obligations towards third parties. “. Mr. Afraid of the Commitment undoubtedly visualizes on his shoulders the enormous burden of being responsible, the financial support of his future family.
You can do the exercise with each of the dictionary senses, and you will see that your companion can legitimately be very afraid of commitment. Wouldn’t you yourself be panicked at the thought of making a final choice, with no possibility of error, suffocating, even deadly (for claustrophobes, getting into an elevator and not being able to get out of it causes uncontrollable anxiety attacks? ), with the pressure of having to support your family financially?
What to do, in this case, to reassure a man who is afraid to commit?
First of all, talk to him. Yes I know you keep discussing the subject, but what you are going to have to do is first of all understand what scares him.
Then, for each fear, look together to see if it is legitimate or not. And above all, no misplaced susceptibility. If you attack him when he verbalizes his fears by trying to contradict him, you will prove him to be right to be afraid. You must see a fear as an objection: you are not going to seek to destroy it, but to reduce it by rationalizing. Your goal is therefore to make your partner understand that his fear is not reality; no one can predict the future, and no one can claim that the past will repeat itself under all circumstances.
Let’s take an example :
Your partner is afraid of making a mistake, of not being in love with you in 10 or 20 years, of being bored.
The most effective is to bring your own thinking through another question. For example, ask him if expressing his love for you now and according to your expectations (we will see this notion of expectation a little below) would commit him for life? Would that doom him to live a boring life until his death with a woman he might no longer be in love with? Reassure him by making him realize that from your point of view too, it is impossible to project with certainty into the future, even with the most successful crystal balls.
Life is not static.
Everything changes, all the time. A man and a woman may see their respective aspirations take different paths. It is not a question of being pessimistic about the outcome of a romantic relationship, but of accepting the idea that a separation (which could also be of your doing!) Could conclude a good story, before it ends. another great story begins. Of course, if he can take it, so can you. Finally, you can tell him that today and now, the strong bond that unites you makes you want to plan things together, quite simply.
Another example of a man who is afraid to commit:
your companion has a family model built around a father who works hard to provide for his family, and a stay-at-home mom who is raising children. His father works hard to make enough money, and he has no time for his hobbies, and when he does, he’s too tired anyway. It is therefore possible that your lover, who is very attached to his Sunday morning football training, his pizza-beer evenings with friends and the cine-restaurant evenings in duo with you on Saturday evening, visualizes the engagement as a whole. obligations preventing him from living these good times.
There too, to reassure your man who is afraid to commit, to reduce his fear, you must make him realize that it is not rational. That what his father experienced is not what he himself will experience, if he does not want to.
Again, focus on the question rather than the statement! Rather than telling him that he can always continue to see his friends and do his favorite hobbies, ask him if he is sure to relive the constraints that his father endured. There is a good chance that he will realize on his own that he is not, since he does not want to. Don’t hesitate to bounce back by reassuring him of your intentions: you love him for what he is now, and you don’t want him to turn into a workhorse for you.
A last small example for the road on the fact of reassuring a man who is afraid to commit:
Your boyfriend has a mother who groans all the time after his father, who crashes into him to leave him alone. Moreover, his uncle saw the same thing, with his aunt who keeps criticizing him for being disorderly and not participating in household chores. What a beautiful vision of a committed romantic relationship … He may be afraid that you will turn into a shrew once the commitment is made.
For this particular fear, ask the question “Do you really think I can be boring like your mom or your aunt?” ” has no sense.
Why ? Because he won’t want to upset you, make you angry, hurt you …
Men, more than women, have a horror of conflict and stormy explanations! It is about reassuring him about you, and not about his environment / about what he can control (cf. the two preceding examples). So you have to convince him that you are the best girl he can bet on. It’s up to you to identify what he likes about you and to value him to make him understand what he could lose if you were no longer there. Be careful, this last point is of course implicit, do not tell him “you see what you could lose if I left”, because there, you would activate his fear of emotional blackmail, which would definitely associate you in his mind with couples. of his parents and his uncle!
Do not forget :
A man who is afraid of love or who is afraid of commitment is usually afraid of losing something(his freedom, etc.), because he is more often than a woman turned to the past. On the contrary, a woman being more forward-looking, she is more afraid of missing a future opportunity (having children, getting married, buying a house for her family life, etc.).
What is more commitment for a woman?
Because there is a lack of an answer to a fundamental question: what does a woman expect from a man to whom she demands “more commitment”?
Gentlemen, please note the following: for a woman, getting involved is above all proof of the intensity of the love you have for her. She is just as worried as you are and just needs to be reassured. In her subconscious, the form of commitment she asks of you is associated with the level of love you have for her.
- Gradually increase the couple’s time: spend a romantic evening a week for two, then see each other on weekends, during the holidays. Translation: “He misses me when I’m not with him, so he has feelings for me”.
- To officially introduce her to her friends as her friend. Translation: “I am not just a one-night stand, we are part of the long term”.
- Plan joint activities several months in advance. Translation: “If he is able to project himself with me in the coming months, the relationship has strengthened enough to want to live more than just the present time.” “
- Introduce her officially to her family.
- Rent an apartment or a house together. Translation: “He loves me otherwise he would not agree to take the risk of ending up on the street if we separated”.
- Buy an apartment for two. “He loves me and sees our relationship as long-term, otherwise he wouldn’t agree to take such a big financial risk and end up on the streets or lose his investment if we split up.”
- To marry. Translation: “He agrees to show it to other women that he’s already taken.” “
- Become parents. Translation: “When you are married, you can always divorce, while with a child, you have an unwavering bond. This is the pinnacle of proof of love. ”
Of course here I caricature a little, because the association “proof of the commitment” / “intensity of the tested love” can be different according to the lived experience, the education, the culture, and the religion of your girlfriend.
Finally, for a woman, getting involved also has a close and intimate relationship with her life expectations. A woman has a working biological clock. She won’t be able to wait to be a mother until your fear of commitment subsides.
She may have a religious education that will make her want to be married before having children. If she did not follow the customs of her family / her “home group”, she might be looked down upon, and fear being rejected by her parents, by those around her.
So gentlemen: if you have fears, know that your partner has them too.
Ladies, to be able to reassure a man who is afraid of commitment , you have to identify, understand and rationalize his fears, but don’t forget yours.