How to manage your anger as a couple?
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
All couples argue, it’s a perfectly normal thing when sharing a relationship or living together. We share daily life and it can be a source of frustrations, misunderstandings or nervousness, which leads to arguments and crises. In this context, your anger can tend to take over and spoil good communication between you and your partner. How to manage your anger as a couple, so as not to let it take over?
How to manage your anger as a couple?
When anger is fleeting and channeled , it can be beneficial in bringing things down. After the storm, the couple reunite and leave on a healthier basis. Indeed, sometimes it is enough to make an effort to play down a situation. There will always be misunderstandings in a relationship, even in the most beautiful love stories. But we must keep in mind that the key to a harmonious relationship is communication in the couple ! It is therefore important to succeed in expressing your annoyance, not to keep resentment and bitterness deep within you, but without allowing yourself to be dominated by your anger. How to do ?
Analyze your anger
Why are you getting angry? Ask yourself the question.
Is it because of an unmet need?
For example, you need to be loved, respected in your relationship, and you feel like you aren’t. Maybe you need and want to see your relationship move forward but it’s not taking the path you hoped for? The source of your anger can also be more pragmatic, with an exhausting daily life , a partner who does not help you with household chores or the children for example. And you crack, you get angry.
Whatever your unmet need, you should tell your partner, and if possible outside of an episode of anger. The objective is to exchange calmly on this subject.
Note that sometimes we get angry, not because of our relationship, but because one of our needs is not met in another area of our life. And our partner then becomes a sort of punching bag , a scapegoat for our family, friendly and professional concerns.
For example, you are suffering from a complicated relationship with your father and you will get angry with your partner but it will only be an outlet . The source of your anger is elsewhere, and so is the solution.
Is it because of the reproduction of a model?
Suppose you saw your mother or father getting angry over nothing during your childhood. Your parents spoke badly to each other, quarreled over anything and everything.
There is a good chance that you have inherited either a total rejection of the anger or, on the contrary, the reproduction of this behavior . Subconsciously you are repeating the parenting pattern because you think this is how a couple communicates . It is a limiting belief due to your upbringing that you must free yourself from. It is important that you clearly distinguish what is your personal anger (an unmet need) and what is the reproduction of this model.
Realize that you are repeating someone else’s behavior. This anger, you don’t have to repeat it, feed it, feed it or endure it. Detach yourself from this model which should not define the person you are and the communication to be put in place for the well-being of your couple.
How to manage your anger as a couple, how to express yourself by channeling it?
To find common ground within the couple and renew the dialogue, it is necessary to take a step back . You have the right to be angry, but you need to express it in a clear, non-aggressive way.
The importance of the environment
The environment has a direct impact on the way you express yourself. If you are tired, in a place that makes you uncomfortable, or surrounded by extraneous noise, it will affect how you communicate and give your anger more impact, which is a bad thing. So learn to channel your anger when the conditions are bad to have a discussion or an explanation with your partner. Letting your anger explode improperly will have no benefit for the future and for your relationship.
Then, to express yourself well despite your anger, speak as clearly as possible your emotions, feelings and feelings : use the pronoun “I” and not the “you” everywhere. Explain why you are annoyed, angry, why you felt judged or criticized.
Don’t let anger rule you
If anger is a normal emotion, like sadness, fear, or joy, it shouldn’t hurt your relationship. Within the couple, arguments are sometimes present, but they should not jeopardize your story. If you feel anger building up and overwhelming you, control it so you don’t let it dominate you.
First, breathe deeply and slowly. Anger does not always rise suddenly. You often feel it rising inside you until you explode. So, you have to be aware of this surge of anger. It’s a matter of getting used to, but it’s also easier when you prepare yourself mentally. You are not told to let it all go, but to learn to channel your anger so that it does not turn into rage or violence . Talking and acting in unchecked anger rarely leaves a couple unscathed afterwards, so take the time to calm down a bit so you can express yourself more calmly.
How to manage your anger as a couple? Avoid confrontation
Even if your anger is totally legitimate towards your partner for saying or doing something bad towards you, it won’t do anything positive if you let it dominate you. Talking to someone in anger is like attacking them, and a verbal game of yelling, crying, blaming won’t make you feel better.
Also, if you feel the anger overwhelming your necks, leave the room , take some air for a few minutes, go and breathe calmly elsewhere, alone. It is important to relieve the pressure . There is no point in shouting, it is not constructive. You must calm down before continuing the discussion.
The anger is temporary and usually passes within a few minutes. The concern is that the anger does not pass if you stay facing the person who triggered it, hence the need to move away from the scene where your anger started to manifest itself.
Learning to manage your anger means avoiding hurtful sentences and petty attacks . This is why we must avoid aggravating the situation by procrastinating and taking the time to reflect.
Visualize your sources of anger
Exercise can help you channel your anger by visualizing old sources of annoyance. Close your eyes and visualize several past scenes where you got angry. Relive your words, your actions, your reactions. Feel what this has done to you emotionally and even physically. Sadness, disappointment, fatigue, nothing very positive. Now imagine an alternate scenario where you walk out of the room to avoid the argument. Another where you manage to breathe calmly and speak without getting upset.
Anchor the reaction pattern that works best for you by repeating these visualizations once a day after an argument. The day your anger rises in your relationship, it will be easier for you to channel it and know how to react to avoid an unnecessary confrontation. You will then know how to communicate well to solve the problem.
Talk about your anger with your partner
If you are prone to repeated anger, it is important to discuss this anger with your partner. First of all, apologize very quickly after an angry episode, if you have not been able to control it.
Then, after analyzing it, you can talk about it together to explain why you are feeling angry.
Again, this is not to downplay the object of your anger if it is legitimate. Indeed, your partner may have behaved that justifies your nervousness. And he is human following a disappointment, a betrayal, a lie, a deep sadness, to react “hot” in a bloody way and to let his anger explode. This anger, if it is punctual and justified, needs to be expressed so as not to keep within itself sources of resentment, bitterness and pain.
Conclusion: how to manage your anger as a couple?
However, what should be remembered is that within the framework of the couple, the communication cannot be done in a healthy and constructive way if each exchange is done in the cries . No matter what the source of your daily annoyance is, no situation will ever be resolved if your only way is to yell at your partner. On the contrary, letting anger take precedence over positive communication is the best way to aggravate an already conflictual situation.
So yes, express your needs and your emotions, but as calmly as possible. The goal is to understand each other, to support each other while respecting each other in order to find a solution and not to let your anger gradually pull you away from each other.