Emotional dependence or love: what are the differences?

Emotional dependence or love: what are the differences?

How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?

Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?

How to live better together?

Love is about giving and sharing, not getting. In emotionally balanced people, to love is indeed to give AND to receive, but in emotional dependents, their dependence pushes them to a mode of operation which consists of giving OR receiving. The difference between love and emotional dependence therefore seems to lie in a total imbalance within the couple, which generates tension and a lot of suffering. Concretely, what differences can we observe between emotional dependence and love? How do you know what type of relationship you are having?

Emotional dependence or love: what are the differences?

It is a phrase often used but it is true, love with a capital A cannot be controlled. And we can add that it can not be premeditated, it cannot be calculated . True love is present from the moment you consider what is best for your partner, never trying to control or own each other.

The real challenge in love is this notion of balance and adjacent reciprocity. Indeed, if you focus on your need to be loved all the time, you will automatically adopt an attitude of control  that does not allow you to establish a healthy romantic relationship. Conversely, if you only focus on loving the other person at all costs, addiction happens. In both cases, you find yourself in a situation of emotional dependence.

It may sound simplistic, but it is when you choose to love yourself and others that you experience true love.

Where does emotional dependence come from?

Affective addiction is programming that goes back to childhood and continues in your adult life: you run after the affection, recognition and protection that your parents did not nurture you.

In a sentimental relationship, dependence sets in when you consider the other as the only direction of your life. Your only center of interest is the other, your only goal is the other.

If you are single you are always on the lookout for someone who can fill the void you are feeling and until you find them you feel miserable and useless. Find out all the symptoms of emotional addiction to know if you are in it or not.

If you are in a relationship, you have the impression that you will be nothing without him / her, you demand constant attention , you show boundless dedication to him / her even if it means forgetting you completely and to deny your own values.

The dependent person turns completely to the other, to the detriment of himself. She also ends up rotting the life of the one she loves because she seeks to be the one person who meets all of her needs and can behave in a way that is self-destructive . In fact, she seeks to save and to be saved.

The challenge is not to consider the other as the only answer to his needs. His happiness is your concern but reciprocally your happiness is also his.

Emotional dependence or love: what are the differences?

Freedom, unlike bridle addiction, helps to love. It gives you the strength to keep your commitments, to choose with your reason, and not simply according to your emotions of the moment. It gives you emotional stability,

How do you know if you are in love or dependent?

 Dependent if we …

 Is in a relationship for the wrong reasons

The impossibility of being alone, autonomous, independent is a first warning sign. You are not in a relationship because you love him deeply, but so as not to be alone. You don’t differentiate between love and addiction. And nothing scares you more than a breakup. Moreover, each time you break up, rather than thinking about the real reasons, what do you do? You get back together very quickly, because your fear of emotional loneliness is stronger than anything. In fact, you would rather be in bad company than alone …

Afraid of abandonment

This fear of emotional loneliness is indeed closely linked to the fear of abandonment . If it is likely that this fear has its source in your childhood , it is today, in your marriage, that your fear of being abandoned takes all its magnitude. In order not to separate, you tend to run away from conflicts, to accept everything, never to make waves, even if you do not agree. You are not giving your opinion: if it were dismissed, you would feel rejected. And that, your emotional dependence cannot support it.

Forget oneself for the benefit of the other

To be sure to keep your sweetheart, you take care of him / her on all levels. Nothing is too good for him / her and everything he or she says is the word of the gospel. And you, in all this? you give up your desires, your projects, your dreams in favor of his , which are so much better! Your feeling or complex of inferiority leads you to neglect your personality, you are never up to the task.

Think that the other has our happiness in his hands

The other’s opinion becomes your only evaluation gauge , their gaze your only mirror and their actions, your only course of action. As an emotional addict, you spontaneously make yourself responsible for what is wrong and you need the other’s approval for anything, sometimes even in the most toxic relationships to do, even if we don’t want it, what the other asks of us.

Is in the notion of perpetual need …

Affective dependence in a couple is indeed the visceral need of the other, for everything, all the time.

That is to say :

  • Need his presence

You are  emotionally dependent  when the absence of the other plunges you into a state of withdrawal, the manifestations of which can be physical: tight throat, stomach pains … You multiply calls, text messages and you watch for a response from him.

  • Need the other to feel like you exist

In the absence of your spouse, you feel “in brackets”. You only have the feeling of being ”  alive  ” with him, the time spent without him is experienced as useless. You do not try to occupy yourself, you even sometimes forget to eat, as if you were cut off from your feeling of hunger, but also from those of fatigue, desire … Your mind is as if on pause, waiting for its return .

Emotional dependence or love: what are the differences?

In love if we …

Is happy!

The big difference between a romantic relationship and a relationship of emotional dependence is that in the first, the presence and love of the other actually fulfills us . We don’t need it to live, but it flourishes us and adds value to our life, without being fundamentally dependent on it. You are really happy when you are together. When you are truly in love, you love to be with that person. When you’re emotionally dependent, you don’t always value your time together.

Knows how to live without the other

You are happy even when you are not together. You may also like to spend time alone, it is even important for your balance and you know how to deal with the lack of the other without problem. It is even essential to find you better.

Trust in his relationship

You don’t keep asking yourself questions about your relationship. The trust in the couple has settled between you because your relationship is balanced and you move forward together at the same pace and in positive communication. Thus, the commitment in your life as a couple comes naturally and love opens you to the other.

Is really yourself

You are not afraid of losing his approval when you say something or of a possible disagreement between yourselves. When you are really in love, you can speak freely without fear of the judgment of the other, you freely express your opinions and tastes without fear of displeasing. You remain yourself in all circumstances and this is how the other should love you.

Live a healthy relationship

The most obvious difference between love and addiction is the quality of the relationship. Your partner treats you with all the love and respect you give them in return, without coercion or obligation. The healthy relationship started out of envy and then out of love, not out of desperation to be alone. A true romantic relationship brings more peace, comfort and happiness. Emotional dependence brings more fear, jealousy and worry. Love is loving your partner for who they are, not for the love they have for you.

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