Affective dependence in the couple: testimony of Loïc
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
Being emotionally dependent is unconsciously wanting to find your own value through someone else’s gaze. In the couple, it is therefore through that of his partner. The emotional dependence is a psychological condition that is difficult for the sufferer to accept. It is a form of contempt for one’s own inner worth. The person perceives himself constantly and only through the other, which makes it difficult to build his identity and a healthy relationship. In a relationship, she seeks her partner’s approval for everything and suffers from an inferiority complex and a lack of self-confidence. And this does not only concern women, far from it. Why can we have this mode of operation? How does it work out concretely in the couple? Who suffers the most, who is responsible? Affective dependence in the couple: testimony of Loïc, 45, to enlighten us on this subject.
Affective dependence in the couple: testimony of Loïc
Until someone made me understand exactly what my “problem” was and put a word on it, a definition, I was unaware of the gravity of the situation . And even less of the impact it had on my relationship and therefore directly on my wife.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been like this. Shy, clumsy, introverted, silent, withdrawn. I never wondered why, people said of me that it was my nature, a question of character, of temperament . And I put up with it for years, I never took the time to tell myself that it could be a problem, have consequences. I was like that, period, and I wasn’t looking any further.
To tell the truth, I never looked further.
I am someone who does not dig into certain subjects, uncomfortable with words, emotions, feelings. Psychology, personal development , all of that, these are things that for me are abstract. For me I was not concerned.
I was on my way, without asking myself any questions. I have always followed a marked path, obeyed orders, let others decide, lead me. At school, in the army, at work, in my marriage.
I followed a clear path, because for me life was that.
I didn’t ask myself any questions, I wasn’t unhappy, because I didn’t stop to ask myself.
It’s true that I left it to others to decide , for everything, from the most mundane thing to the most important decision. I have never really developed any authority, a spirit of initiative, or creativity.
We are emotionally dependent in the couple when we let the other manage everything
The projects in my life, I have always done them with measured risks , for everything: work, money, marriage, a child.
I think I am cautious , I need the approval of another person to make a decision and know which one to take.
I only realized it recently, because until then I was hiding behind excuses, pretexts, arguing that it was normal for a couple to decide together. Except that I didn’t decide.
I was not a man submissive to his wife, nor an absent man, no I was there but I was just going with the flow.
I was a fan of “as you want”, “I don’t know”, “no problem”.
Thinking in this way to facilitate things, I was in fact almost transparent , dependent on my wife to whom I left the choice of everything.
I wasn’t afraid of her, no but I thought she knew better than I what decision to make, and where I thought to make her life easier, in fact I let her fend for herself. I understood it late, too late, when she could no longer endure my inaction, my lukewarmness, my incessant hesitation, my role of husband that I did not really assume. She broke down, she left and filed for divorce .
Affective dependence in a couple can destroy everything
I lost all my bearings. And I could have stayed like that for a long time or reproduced the same pattern if I hadn’t met a woman who made me realize who I was.
An introverted man , suffering from an inferiority complex , a huge lack of self-confidence, playing Calimero syndrome too often to hide and shirk my responsibilities. And which therefore created, whatever happened, a strong emotional dependence in my relationships with others.
I took a slap when she told me all this, but she opened my eyes.
Emotional addict, who am I really?
Here is what this woman told me that really shocked me:
“Yes Loïc, you are a kind, helpful, reliable man, you have enormous qualities that you have no doubts about. But you have also and above all developed, nourished and maintained negative emotions about yourself , a bad image of yourself , a truncated perception. And suddenly all your relationships are biased.
You put the other, the woman you’re with, on a pedestal. A never decide, wanting nothing nothing, nothing undertake, you let the other responsible for everything, carry the weight of everything. You then become a burden without even realizing it.
It’s like nothing is touching you, nothing is about you. As if you constantly needed the approval of the other to think, to act, to live. Like a child waiting to be allowed to play. This need for recognition takes pride of place. You live through the other, you are dependent on her, on the relationship. But by force you develop an unhealthy relationship without realizing it.
What you don’t understand is that to say yes all the time, or to expect an endorsement from the other, is to get rid of everything. You do not have the right to position yourself as a victim when you have chosen this role of emotional addict. The others are not responsible for it. There is no manipulation , it is you who create, unconsciously of course, this pattern. If you want to stay that way, you can’t force it into a relationship. It is too heavy a weight to carry.
If you feel good like this, so be it, it’s your choice. But you cannot feed yourself like this on others to find meaning in your life. You live by proxy, through the gaze of the other, drawing the strength that you do not have in yourself in the other. Do you understand how exhausting it can be? How unbalanced is it? “
Affective dependence in the couple: how to get out?
This conversation was the trigger for me . I accepted the debate, the questioning, the need to dig. If I repeated the same pattern, I was going to be left alone or suffocate a woman again . I had to clear things up. There are steps to really get out of emotional dependence . Thanks to her, my “guardian angel”, I embarked on therapeutic work .
This is what I understood.
This emotional dependence is stifling, unhealthy . It does not allow any couple to advance serenely . The other cannot solve all my problems, cure my neuroses, my fears; only I can do it.
The proof … My wife is gone. She could no longer assume our relationship for two . To be the only one to carry us, to reassure me while trying to move forward.
No one can carry someone else’s fate. So it’s up to me to act or suffer, but without creating a dependent emotional relationship.
The emotional dependence in the couple has its origins, it has its source somewhere.
In the past, childhood, trauma, poor building of self-confidence. There is a reason. Even though it’s my nature to let myself live, there are limits. I realized it. Sometimes you have to take a slap to figure things out.
Understanding where it comes from is allowing me to take control of my life. To stop hiding behind someone else by feeding my inferiority complex. It’s done. I understood the why and how. Found the source of the problem. I now have decades of false certainties to undo. To rebuild myself by having confidence in myself and telling myself that life is not just waiting for things to pass, it is living fully, being the master and actor of one’s existence. I just hope it’s not too late for me. ”