My husband speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words: what to do?
How to find the bond of the beginnings in his marriage?
Over time, the couple’s relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we argue. Yet we still love each other … So how do you get your relationship back on track and rediscover the bond and laughter that made us fall in love?
We received a new question from a reader, namely: My husband speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words, what should I do? It’s Aleks who is addressing the question and answering Clara today.
My husband speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words: Question from Clara
Hello to all the team,
My name is Clara, I am 31 years old and I have been in a relationship with M for 5 years. The first two years were idyllic, as in many couples I imagine. We weren’t yet living together, we saw each other very often (4 or 5 times a week) but not every day …
And then we took an apartment together and it started to deteriorate. The arguments for everything and anything (cleaning, dishes, outings, money …). He blames me a lot: I didn’t put this or that ingredient in the dish, I did the dishes badly, I ironed badly, I’m boring … Basically my husband speaks badly to me every time. days and frankly he hurts me with his words. Like “you’re paranoid” “you’re stupid or you do it on purpose” “never seen someone fucked up like that” …
I wonder if I’m too touchy or if he really disrespects me?
I’m not all white, maybe I’m too defensive or too skinny I don’t know. But I start to wonder if he still loves me because in his eyes I have the impression that nothing ever goes as he would like.
So I wonder if there are things that can be done to reverse the trend and that my husband respect me more, no longer hurt me with his words like he does on a daily basis?
My man talks badly to me and hurts me with his words: Aleks’ response
I will try to help you see more clearly in your situation, and I hope you will feel better.
First of all, I read in your testimony the building of a couple.
5 years together, including 2 idyllic.
BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP
The beginning is always interesting and often seems perfect, we idealize the other, we make efforts to please him, and the birth of the couple becomes clearer.
Each takes a step towards the other, shows itself in its best profile, and makes compromises. It’s a pretty fun game at first.
Due to the affinities, each one manages to articulate his attitude, his speech, so that the climate is warm, tender, and fusional.
Then come the projects, and in particular the famous question of when to live together which often leads to the same thing: moving in.
MY HUSBAND SPEAKS BAD TO ME: LIFE HAS TWO
The beginning of a life together in the same accommodation is essential for many couples (although some choose to live separately to preserve their relationship ). The nest is built, everyone brings their stone to the building.
Conflicts are growing:
The place is common, everyone has preferences and habits, and it is more difficult to articulate them in the same environment.
Add to that the routine . We sometimes wonder if the feelings are still there, or if the other wants us as much.
It is important to have your individuality, to know what you really want, and as a couple, not to forget yourself.
I feel a lot of grief and empathy in your speech. But you mostly remember what the other says or does. What do you think of these remarks and what would you like to say to him about it?
MY HUSBAND SPEAKS BAD TO ME: THE EVERYDAY
In the relationship of couple, all is not all beautiful all rosy certainly, but the most solid base in the middle of the two beings, it is the confidence, the respect and the communication .
To feel listened to, heard in your desires, your questions, is essential.
On a daily basis, not to forget yourself is difficult, but if the dialogue does not take place, then you will suffer a present that does not please you.
Speaking calmly with simple, unambiguous words is essential for the message to get through. The intonation, volume and choice of words mark the conversation.
Negativity doesn’t help: “you don’t do this or that”; it hurts and amplifies the argument.
Personally, I would turn around or shut myself up in silence. In these kinds of moments you can feel belittled, and that does not allow the relationship to improve, on the contrary.
You explain that your spouse is arguing or has derogatory remarks, but on a daily basis does he really speak to you? Of feelings? Sharing tasks? Does he talk to you about him and you? Or even future projects? Romantic outings ?
The importance of questioning yourself
You have to question yourself on a daily basis for yourself, so as not to get lost in your path, but also in a relationship. I find that you are already in this process. And sir?
You say he is your husband, so you made commitments together and you should face life supporting each other in mutual aid and respect.
How do you imagine the future in this upset present?
Are you a person who smiles and is satisfied with what they have on a daily basis?
Your feelings, your emotions, are the compass that helps you see clearly.
It is so difficult to distinguish the issues, the problems, and the solutions when we have our heads in the handlebars.
What emerges from your testimony is that you are in the analysis and in the action.
Actions that I can suggest to you that can help you feel more comfortable, and try to move forward:
- Write down your feelings, your own vision, and talk about it after the argument, calmly, objectively, analyze both points of view and discuss potential negotiations.
- Knowing how to recognize good deeds but also mistakes, identify and prevent them
- Remember what seduced you about the other, this flame… And refocus on the pure core of the couple, get together again.
The goal: to have a relaxed present to outline the future on the horizon.
Finally, why not go for marriage therapy or go see a family mediator: a third person sometimes helps in the dialogue and the vision of the difficulties. This person has an external opinion, neutral and very distinct from each entity, a real helping hand to listen to the other, and to work out common solutions for the couple.
I hope I have been able to help you in your questions and do not hesitate to give us your news!